To Lily
Posted by Jackie , 29 January 2011 2:42 AM
I need someone to talk to, or at least a way to share what I feel. I'm going to forestall any critics who might appear after reading this post by saying, yes, talking to an online audience, even though I know some of the people who might read this, is a cop out in light of what is going to follow. It's a step in the right direction though, so even though I might not be brave enough to say the following to those who need to hear it most, I am nonetheless saying it to myself. And isn't acceptance the first step to anything worthwhile?
I'm going to be honest. For the first time since I can remember, which probably dates back to some time in junior high. Though who knows...it's late and I'm tired, but I feel a desperate, haunting need to speak the jumbled words and emotions that fill my mind.
So here's my Confession Of The Day: I am a complete pushover. I cannot assert myself, even in daily conversation. I hate making eye contact with acquaintances while walking across campus, and saying hello is completely out of the question; I can never help but think why would that person want to talk to me? I am a people pleaser, even though I try to tell myself that my silent acquiescence is just a manifestation of my desire to make people happy (which I do like to do/am quite talented at, by the way; just ask me about picking out gifts for my dad sometime). I pretend to be dumb about certain things because I don't want to seem arrogant about my intelligence. I never give my own opinion and merely nod along with the prevailing view of those around me.
I wonder what my friends think my views are on the big things...like religion and relationships.
I wonder if anyone knows the truth of who I am. I certainly don't think I do, and I'm not saying that in a I'm-constantly-changing-and-exploring-new-things kind of way.
Part of it is a confidence thing. Part of it is that I, as I like to think, have a great deal of empathy and can understand the validity behind multiple points of view. Part of it is I'm too afraid of social rebuke. I also think part of it comes from being an introvert, i.e. the way I process things around me. I might have a great memory and lightning fast recall, but I tend to think things through methodically and when I don't feel like I have time to do so (which seems to be every conversation I have), my habit is to agree with the person with whom I'm talking. Other things have helped me develop this habit over time, but I think this list hits all the main points.
I've decided to hell with being politically correct. I don't want to start living by a policy of brute honesty, but I want to have my own opinions. I want to be genuinely honest with the people around me about my thoughts and opinions. I want to live by my own code of conduct/fun/morality/what's important, not the one that has been decided upon by my friends.
I've been thinking about this for a while. I said to my friend, Lily, in London, "I tell it like it is." She turned to me and said, "Yeah?" in that questioning/not quite believing tone of voice, but not directly threatening what I said. I didn't really respond to that at the time; I shied away from accepting the truth that she had seen in my life: I didn't stand for anything. I wanted to lie to myself, because it's easy.
So here's to you Lily, for being the wonderful, inspiring, insightful and wise friend who shared a room with me for 3 months in London and showed me the value of one's individual p.o.v. in a world full of followers. I am no longer afraid to figure out who I am and show it to the world, or at least I'm pretending so at the moment.
Though if you pretend for long enough, who's to say if you're still pretending?
